An Old Joke For The Current Times

Napoleon, who, due to the prayers of endless amount of pious Frenchmen, ends up in Heaven, is watching from above the successes of Zelensky, and is getting more and more anxious and jealous.

Sure enough, he was painted by famous artists, but not as famous as Annie Leibovits, who flew over to Kiev for a photoshoot. Plus, Zelensky’s wife appears more gorgeous than Josephine in these photos, especially with the background of destroyed Ukrainian airplane. Damn, thinks Napoleon. I wish I had crushed airplanes and tanks as the backdrop for my paintings, rather than cheesy velvet curtains.

So he writes a request to St. Peter. Can I please visit Kiev, which I’ve missed during my march on Moscow in 1812. I hear they now have there the greatest warrior of all times. You know, I never wanted to talk to Zhukov, or Patton, or Montgomery. These guys were not on my level, hard as they tried. Nor did I bother you, when Boris Johnson was flexing his muscle, and organizing the world war on behalf of Zelensky. Knowing human nature I knew it was all fake, so I wasn’t interested in observing Boris fail. But I have a feeling, that finally, someone who matches my military genius is born. They say, it takes nature 200 years to repeat its greatness, and I have a feeling that this is it.

St. Peter understands the anxiety of one of the world’s greats, and sends a letter to Kiev. Can Napoleon visit your illustrious commander in chief?

Not so fast, says Kiev. He has to fill the questionnaire first. We have to know what he thinks of Russia, how he values Bandera on the scale of greatness, is he willing to jump 100 times and scream on the top of his lungs, glory to the country which glorifies its Nazi collaborators. Plus, there are questions about pronouns, and the attitude toward climate change, and Russia-Trump connection, which the State Department wanted us to include.

Napoleon answer all these questions with flying colors. Yes, not only I hate Russia, I’ve invaded it. And yes, I actually burned Moscow. And yes, I destroyed their economy and therefore contributed to reduction in air pollution, And, yes, we royals always use “we” and “they” when refer to other royals. And yes, I named my Marshal Bernadotte in honor of Bendera.

Fine, answers Kiev, you qualify, but the earliest our glorious president can see you will be next month. Besides daily consultations with State Department, Pentagon, and all the Secret Ministries of Her Highness in Great Britain, our president, has to do another photo-shoot for Vanity Fair, and for Rolling Stones, and for page three of the Star, Telegraph, and the Guardian. Then, he has to address the governors or every American State, including Australia and New Zealand, telling them that they better pay, or they be depicted as Putin stooges at Vanity Fair, Rolling Stones, The Star, Telegraph and The Guardian. And NYT, of course.

Serious politician, — thinks Napoleon. How come I’ve never done that, wasting my time, by getting my generals proving themselves on the battlefield, then marrying into royal families, slowly accumulating power, and sending me meager 10% in support of my Grand Armee, after I’ve opened the road of glory to them.

So Napoleon waits a month, and finally the meeting in Kiev. Zelensky is organizing military parade, as he is ready to start his brilliant operation, called “Taking Moscow, 1,2,3.”

Look at these HIMARS, brags Zelensky. Brand new from America. Look at these British rocket launchers, German tanks, Polish airplanes and beautiful nurses ready to take care of every inconvenience experienced by my soldiers. And look at these soldiers, their glorious tattoos, their faces, turned into death masks, due to the years of training and coke snorting! Admit, that with the army like that, you’d never lose Waterloo.

Surprisingly, Napoleon pays very little attention to all this hardware, and tattooware. He is glued to the screen of his phone, looking in utter admiration at the speed with which any news from Ukraine is immediately broadcasted all over the world.

Who cares, about the army, finally answers Napoleon. My tough and experienced soldiers who fought all over the world, from Egypt to Moscow, were the greatest. But what I admire, is your full control of information flow. How would the world be able to even find out about Waterloo? When the media, social platforms, and other sources of information, print every Ukrainian fantasy, as they block any real news from the front.

Zelensky proudly smiles, and says to Napoleon. Indeed, and sorry for cutting the interview shot. Time to do another photoshoot at La Figaro and Le Monde. By the way, maybe you can help me with your French. I am trying to convince the French, that my picture should be taken as I sit on the top of Arc Arc de Triomphe and Tour Eiffel simultaneously, as Macron kisses my feet and serves me champagne. And by the way, how do you say in French, “glory the former butchers, now heroes.” Similar to us, French have to recognize our founding fathers. After all, it was their example that had taught us to organize butchery all over Ukraine, then bring the corpses to Butcha, and blame it on Russians. And the rest, as you’ve observed, was just a matter of media.